Return to Work

With my return to the grind this week, I began pondering my last few days at work in January, and what was on my mind as I tried to tie up loose ends so that the OR would function beautifully whilst I was away. In doing so, I came across my birth plan, and I thought I would share it with you all. To my surprise, it was the topic of much discussion on the L&D and post-partum units. I hope you enjoy it just as much!

1. I want enough moonshine in my epidural that I look back on labor and compare it to a sun kissed day in Bora Bora, but not so much that I forget I am trying to squeeze a honeydew melon out of my lady parts.

I want an epidural with dosing strong enough that I enjoy the birth but not so strong that I am debilitated.

2. I want my husband to make the royal proclamation to the unlucky few to whom I am exposing myself about whether our child shall be referred to as a “lady” or a “gentleman.”

I want Andy to be the one who announces the sex of the baby.

3. To increase my chances of success, I want the baby on my boob faster than you can name the redeeming qualities of Joe Biden.

I want to breastfeed ASAP, preferably within 45 minutes to 1 hour after giving birth.

4. We would appreciate your assistance in keeping our intimately involved family at a distance until we have mentally prepared for them to descend upon us like locusts.

No visitors until we say we are ready.

5. No turtlenecks.

If we have a boy, we want him circumcised.

6. Much like digging around buried power lines, “check before you prick.”

We want to discuss vaccines with the pediatrician before they are administered.

Disclaimer: We are pretty easy-going people, and I am not dumb enough to think I have the first clue about what childbirth will be like. I am open to endless possibilities every step of the way. I do better with more information rather than less, so if there is something you aren’t sure if you should tell me, please tell me. And while I understand this may be the kiss of death, I really think I may be the best patient you’ve ever had; at least I am trying for the top 5 – I hear there is a prize!