Return to Work

With my return to the grind this week, I began pondering my last few days at work in January, and what was on my mind as I tried to tie up loose ends so that the OR would function beautifully whilst I was away. In doing so, I came across my birth plan, and I thought I would share it with you all. To my surprise, it was the topic of much discussion on the L&D and post-partum units. I hope you enjoy it just as much!

1. I want enough moonshine in my epidural that I look back on labor and compare it to a sun kissed day in Bora Bora, but not so much that I forget I am trying to squeeze a honeydew melon out of my lady parts.

I want an epidural with dosing strong enough that I enjoy the birth but not so strong that I am debilitated.

2. I want my husband to make the royal proclamation to the unlucky few to whom I am exposing myself about whether our child shall be referred to as a “lady” or a “gentleman.”

I want Andy to be the one who announces the sex of the baby.

3. To increase my chances of success, I want the baby on my boob faster than you can name the redeeming qualities of Joe Biden.

I want to breastfeed ASAP, preferably within 45 minutes to 1 hour after giving birth.

4. We would appreciate your assistance in keeping our intimately involved family at a distance until we have mentally prepared for them to descend upon us like locusts.

No visitors until we say we are ready.

5. No turtlenecks.

If we have a boy, we want him circumcised.

6. Much like digging around buried power lines, “check before you prick.”

We want to discuss vaccines with the pediatrician before they are administered.

Disclaimer: We are pretty easy-going people, and I am not dumb enough to think I have the first clue about what childbirth will be like. I am open to endless possibilities every step of the way. I do better with more information rather than less, so if there is something you aren’t sure if you should tell me, please tell me. And while I understand this may be the kiss of death, I really think I may be the best patient you’ve ever had; at least I am trying for the top 5 – I hear there is a prize!

Momma and Poppa

Whit's First Man Outfit (Yes, many men wear Pooh Bear...stop asking questions.)

"Nothing comes between me and my Calvin Kleins...except a diaper...and a onesie."

Questions to Ponder

Why is formula under lock and key at the local grocery store? Is there a rampant problem of babies breaking in and raiding 'the sauce'? Do they card you when you ask for some out of the case - 'must be under 1 year of age'?

Why are UK ounces different from US ounces? I know we can't live harmoniously with one standard unit of measure, but for crying out loud, can't we at least agree on the value of an ounce?

If we can put a man on the moon, turn off the lights in our home from across the globe, and regenerate human tissue, why in the world can we not create a diaper that holds in gooey baby poop?

Our Little Ladies' Man (watch Whit's eyes)