Things that would have been helpful to know...

1. I knew that labor would hurt, and was ready for an epidural in the parking lot, but I had no idea what that hurt would feel like. Well, it feels like cramps...on crack.
2. The day after you give birth, you will be in pain, but it won't compare to the "I just got the snot knocked out of me" pain you will feel on day 2. I had to examine myself for tire tracks because I was sure they had put me out on the expressway when I was asleep, and a bevy of semis had taken turns running me over.
3. You will think you will never walk again. In my mind, I had already picked out a stylish wheelchair and made my house ADA accessible because I was sure I would never be able to stand again, let alone put one leg in front of the other.
4. Your boobs actually CAN get even bigger. All those women who spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery simply need to breast feed. Although, that would mean they would also have to get pregnant and push a pineapple out of their privates, which would ruin their expensive tummy tuck and liposuction.
5. After 5 weeks at home, the walls literally start to move inward. Honestly. I measured our rooms, and we have already lost 235 sq. feet. At this rate, our home will be the size of an iPod just in time for me to go back to work.
6. A trip to Target by yourself can be the most luxurious event of a week. Not to buy anything exciting, mind you, simply toilet paper and shampoo.
7. There is a secret club of mothers who have taken an oath to cook yummy food for new moms. Who knew that a chicken dinner from the neighbors would bring tears to my eyes in the midst of 5 hours of sleep in two days, cracked hands from sink after sink of baby bottles and pump parts, pee- and puke-stained clothes (mine, not his), and the constant sweet sound of gassy gunfire?
8. A 4th degree tear is a big deal. No really, it is. I initially mourned the fact that I would not get to see my awesome OB for 6 weeks after having seen him every week for the past month and a half. That quickly faded and I was back to lamenting the fact that I was indeed seeing him every 1-2 weeks again because of the grand canyon that is now my lady parts.
9. Other than watching your little one start to learn the world around him, the second most awesome part about finally having a baby is that you once again can pass by someone blocking the aisle in a store without them having to move themselves, their cart, and their children.
10. We sure do love our little man...and expect him to return the favor in 50 years and change our diapers and feed us a liquid diet.